Sue is a friend of mine whose life is a whirlwind of activity. She works full-time, takes classes at night, and volunteers at a soup kitchen. In her “spare time” she tends to her house and even cuts her elder neighbor’s lawn.
I called Sue recently. It was a Saturday night, around 8PM. She could barely talk to me, yawning every 5 minutes. Finally, she begged me to let her go to sleep.
“But it’s Saturday!” I exclaimed. “I thought you’d be interested in going out with us.” Our other friends had gathered at my house for a night of drinks and dancing.
“Sorry,” Sue replied sheepishly. “You young folks will have to go on without me.”
More and more, women these days are in a state of perpetual “busyness”. They go to work, take care of their children and/or aging parents, volunteer, manage a side business, and help out friends and family. This is in addition to them doing housework and home maintenance.
There’s nothing wrong with being busy, of course. Staying active is essential for physical, mental, and spiritual health. However, certain types of busyness can lead to exhaustion, stress, and even sickness.
There are three basic types of busyness: daily, sporadic, and chronic. Daily busyness involves taking care of basic tasks without hurry or stress. The work can be challenging yet invigorating, leaving us with a sense of accomplishment.
Sporadic busyness involves situations like deadline projects, crises, or starting a new career. We are more stressed than usual due to the higher demands of this busyness, but we know it is only temporary and will not last forever.
Chronic busyness, however, involves busyness to the point where you feel that your schedule, not you, is controlling your life. This type of busyness has a high level of intensity and there is no hope that it will ever be over. It is also the type of busyness that eats away at time that could be spent on activities like eating right, exercising, and sleeping.
Women are especially prone to chronic busyness because society has always looked upon us as the caregivers and the pillars of community life. Thus, we are more likely than men to volunteer our time for a charity, to help a friend move, or to sit in on a PTA meeting. More often than not, we will try to squeeze in “just one more thing”, feeling guilty if we cannot offer our services. Sometimes our motivation is our drive for perfection or our desire to appear all-capable. Other times we feel that to refuse is to show weakness. Some women are motivated by low-self-esteem, assuming that if they do more, they will be more useful and loved.
Unfortunately, by being chronically busy, we often end up neglecting ourselves and (ironically) others. Instead of filling an hour or two in our lives with meditation, exercise, or a walk to the park, we substitute it with soccer practice for the kids or making brownies for a Girl Scout meeting. If we are married, our spouses become our unwitting accomplices, running errands for us when instead they could be snuggling up with us on the couch. When intimacy with your spouse becomes the time you both spent updating the electrical outlets, that marriage will soon be headed for trouble. Thus, chronic busyness robs us of our much needed “me” and “us” time, the time that is required for personal and relationship recharge.
Our relationships with friends and family can also suffer. When we are always busy doing too many things, we become exhausted. As a result, we are not very good company for our parents, siblings, and friends.
Busyness can often lead to a personal downward emotional spiral, with us switching between feelings of pride and rage. We feel pride when we perform a certain task because we assume that “no one else does it as well as I do.” Then, when we become overwhelmed by our tasks, we lash out, asking “why won’t someone help me?” In severe cases, women become overwhelmed to the point of intense guilt, anxiety, and depression. Some women may even suffer a mental breakdown.
The solution to this is very simple: we must learn to say no.  Rather than agreeing to do everything that is asked of us, we must evaluate whether these tasks can be reassigned to someone else, put off, or rejected outright. For example, it is one thing to bake a few brownies for your daughter’s Girl Scout meeting; however, you shouldn’t be expected to bake the brownies, pick up the girls, sit through the meeting, and clean up too.
If you work outside the home, think about how much your employer compensates you for your time. In essence, employers equilibrate time with money. Now, think about that friend or neighbor who has asked for a chunk of your time in order to do a particular task. That time, had you spent it doing paid work, would have equaled a good amount of money! For all practical purposes, your friend or neighbor has asked for your money!
This is not to say that volunteer work is bad or that we shouldn’t help out friends and neighbors in need. We just have to realize that our time and efforts are not free. There is always a cost when we agree to perform a particular task, whether that cost is to our personal time, our marriages, or other family relationships. If nothing else, that is time that could be spent finding out whether we are happy with our lives. It could be time spent setting new personal goals and getting in touch with our souls.
Once you have set aside time for yourself, you will better know who you are and what you want to be. Then, saying no to excessive tasks will become easier. Your own life goals will be first in your heart, not the pleasing of others. In this way, you will gain sanity, peace, and true happiness.

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